“I wonder if you think about me as much as I do about you.”
[Adapted and edited from TC]
I want to snuggle with you. I’d like you to lie your head on my shoulder and breathe in the same rhythm that I’m breathing. I want to use one of my hands to rub your head, down to your neck, then to your arm, and then hold your hand. I’d like to rest my other hand on your hipbone, which is my favorite part of your body because it’s a straight and bony hip, nothing like my curvy, soft one.
I’d like to stay there long enough so that our awkwardness goes away. I’d like to feel you give into the moment. Don’t ask yourself if this is too intimate. Don’t worry about sending me signals that you like me too much. Don’t think about what will happen with us tomorrow. Stop wondering if your team is winning and how much longer it will be until I get off of you so you can turn the game on.
Make a joke after a few moments of peace, one of those jokes that isn’t funny because of its sharp wit, but funny because it’s a comment on our current state, designed to make both of us ease further into the bubble of each other that we’re currently floating in. You could say something about how I’m growing more facial hair, or how silly your siblings or friends were, or how some lady is walking like an elephant. And we’ll laugh together. Not the laugh that we shared when we were with our friends. Not the laugh that comes when you watch an episode of Mr Bean. This will be the laugh that you saved just for me, the one that’s vulnerable and soft and sweet, because that’s how you’re feeling towards me right now. You won’t think about what I said last week that made you angry. You won’t feel guilty for that thing you did that I would be upset about if I knew. You won’t plan what you’re having for dinner tonight. You will soak the right now of this up. Our moment.
I’d like you to play with my hair. Don’t pat my head with a flat hand, put your fingers under my hair, on my scalp, and then run them through my hair like it’s a waterfall. I’ll wrap both of my arms around you and give me a long, tight squeeze, the kind where in the last second, you need to inhale but you can’t. Then I’d like you to close your eyes, so I can prop myself over your face and study your features freely without you looking back at me. I want to kiss your jaw line, fondle your earlobes, sweep my cheek against yours. I want to stroke the slope of your nose and your eyelids and admire your eyelashes.
I’d like to run my thumb over your lips. Cup your face with both of my hands. And I want you to kiss me. This will be a kiss that liquefies from light to deep and then back to light. A seemingly endless kiss that doesn’t lead to anything else. It doesn’t need to. We’ll share it simply to feel the warmth that it brings on its own. Then I want you to roll on top of me. Lie on top of me and hold our arms over our heads so that I can feel all of your weight, smell your scent and feel this moment.
I want to start at the beginning and do it again.
But somehow, I don’t think I can…even get close to you.